I do not care that their Royal Duke and Duchess-nesses have graced us with their presence. There, I said it. Australia is currently whipping itself into a frenzy over Harry and Meghan’s Royal Tour, and I for one can not understand it. While we’re counting ourselves lucky to have overlords (and overladies) who are better looking and nicer people than the previous ones we’ve endured, we seem to have forgotten entirely that that’s what they are.

Isn’t the whole monarchical system a tad out of date?

Can someone please explain to me why on earth we still have a monarchy in 2018? The ultimate antidote to the myth of a classless society, this is an ancient system which inexplicably ascribes a greater value to humans who happen to be of a particular hereditary lineage. Thus, Harry is worth less than his brother but more than his cousin who still managed to rack up millions of dollars in taxpayer money at her recent wedding.

The most ridiculous image I’ve seen of Theresa May is (would you believe) not that of her dancing. It was the sight of the British Prime Minister literally curtseying to Prince William – a grown adult woman who was elected to power grovelling to another adult less than half her age who inherited his privilege. Make it stop.

What do the royals actually do anyway?

As glad as I am that the royals no longer rule Britannia, the fact that they are mere figureheads makes them seem all the more redundant. I realise how prone we are to worship celebrities of any kind, but arguably Haz and Megs have less reason to be famous than the Kardashians. All Harry did was be born, whereas pop culture royalty KKW had the entrepreneurial spirit to get out there and create a sex tape.

And doesn’t it strike anyone else that the life of a royal seems like an exceptionally boring one? I googled Ms Sussex (in the name of research, of course) and all I found was a parade of outfits, endless analysis of how radical she may or may not be for shutting a car door, and an awful lot of waving to the masses.

As far as I can make out, Meghan’s life now consists entirely of being ferried from one place to another, changing clothes multiple times a day, looking at things, and smiling graciously. What it does NOT include is a career, political opinion or the freedom to stroll up to the shops in her trackies when she’s fanging for a packet of chips.

A royal wedding! A Royal Tour! A royal baby!

Look, I know the British monarchy don’t cost me anything personally – but aren’t I allowed to be outraged on behalf of UK taxpayers who cough up over $100 million a year (and rising) to keep the Queen and her sprawling clan in luxury? The security on Harry and Meghan’s wedding alone cost more than Clooneys’ entire over-the-top Venice affair which also makes me feel queasy but at least George and Amal have day jobs, I guess.

And now, a royal baby! While we marvel at the wonder of two people of fertile age being fertile, while crowds line the streets of St Kilda hoping to shake the royal palm, while newspapers fill their pages with photos of Meghan taking her shoes off on Bondi Beach (She’s just like us! But BETTER than us!) – let’s not forget about the 120 children still languishing on Nauru who, by pure chance, didn’t have the fortune to be born into Buckingham Palace. Babies worth every bit as much as a royal one.


PS My feelings about the monarchy actually have nothing to do with Harry and Meghan, they do seem like legit lovely people.

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