My partner suggested that I write this blog post. To which I replied (roared), ‘ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING, SWEETHEART??!!!’ Except I didn’t say the sweetheart part. Here’s how I mastered the art of being angry all the time — and keep my fury constantly fuelled.
Read the news
I don’t mean just a casual flick through, see what’s going on in the world, kind of reading the news. You need to commit to staying glued to a minute-by-minute update of how our SO-CALLED LEADERS ARE SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROYING THE PLANET. Refresh your preferred news website obsessively just in case you somehow miss YET ANOTHER TAX CUT handed out to big banks and millionaires while the poor are consistently screwed over AND NOW THEY HAVE THE POWER TO TAP INTO OUR PHONES SWEET JESUS SAVE US.
Check your emails
When your inbox is as crammed with rejections from publishers, literary magazines and film festivals as mine is, yet somehow that doesn’t make you quite angry enough, the best thing to do is sign up for about a hundred mailing lists that will send you daily emails bearing EVEN MORE BAD NEWS. In the last 24 hours alone, I have felt angry about the Adani coal mine, encryption laws, domestic violence, the Fairfax takeover, Nauru, refugee camps in Syria and NATALIE PORTMAN SLUT-SHAMING JESSICA SIMPSON (not sure how that one got in there tbh but I’ll go with it). There is a veritable deluge of reminders about how DOOMED WE ALL ARE pouring into my DMs on the daily.
Stalk social media
Especially exes. Accept friend requests and follows. That way you can see when they watch ALL your Instagram stories even though they suddenly ghosted you after two months of dating and let you actually mourn their death and oh I guess they’re still alive after all because look they’re all over your Facebook page LIKE A LIVING BREATHING HUMAN WHO JUST HAPPENS NOT TO HAVE A SOUL. They can also message you out of the blue to announce that they’re getting married and aren’t you happy for them because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BE HAPPY FOR THE GUY WHO FOUND SOMEONE TO MARRY HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND CLEARLY AN IDIOT AS WELL.
And while we’re on social media, you can post almost anything said by a woman about their experience of being a woman watch the comments from men roll in about how personally attacked they feel. YOUR BLOOD WILL BOIL.
Carry a projectile
I recommend a wine glass. This has the advantage that you can fill it with wine, bolstering your courage when the moment comes to hurl said projectile through the air (just kidding, doesn’t need courage ONLY RAW FURY). Wine glasses shatter instantly upon impact with a concrete wall and, with a little red goon left within, can leave a stain reminiscent of a Pollock painting – and also incredibly hard to remove. But really, anything that comes to hand will do the trick. Bonus points if it’s your own wall you’re throwing things at because you will CURSE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING TIME.
Have an outlet
Therapy and boxing are equally excellent options. They are also remarkably similar in that, no matter how calm you may feel going in, by the time you come out after an hour later, either weeping (the former) or sweat-soaked AND weeping (the latter), you’ll be filled with rage so pure you could actually bottle it and sell it back to the people who manufactured it at a hundred times the cost of their labour BECAUSE DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE EVILS OF CAPITALISM.
And if you still need inspiration, check out my past few blog posts, which can pretty much be summed up as: Book of Mormon musical (I’m livid!), the Royal Tour (I’m furious!), getting fired a lot (I’m seething!), teaching consent in schools (I’m fuming!), and the unspeakable horrors of Eat Pray Love (AAAAARRRGH!).
Now excuse me while I fetch my wine glass.
(PS The gif is from my film Zelos – watch the trailer here)